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Friday, January 30

Happy Birthday Xiao Mei!

Guessed what i want to say to you is already in the card itself.

10 years from now...
20 years from now...
no matter where you are...
no matter how far apart we are...
today...
tomorrow...
forever...
i'll still be your jie.. =']

["If i had been a great jie, it's all because i have a great mei like you."]

Warmest wishes,
your jie.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:17 AM

Sunday, January 25

Contradictions

I'm tired. I kept telling myself that i should take a break. I should put a fullstop. But i'm afraid i'm fated to be a worker in my life. Take a step back, i realise i'm running the show all the time. Maybe i should stop. Maybe someone should tell me straight to the face its time i rest. But i guess... it's my life. it's fated... Damn. I need a break.

Laugh Out Loud.

None of my business.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:58 AM

Thursday, January 22

And so..

... it's new year again. Hm.. many wishes to express...

For those still studying... wish you xue ye jing bu! [esp. 'o' and 'a' students hor..]

For those working... wish you cai yuan gun gun! [=D]

For those dreamers... wish you xin xiang shi chen! [dream more & BIG!]

For those having lots of responsibilites this year... wish you shi shi shun li! [=D]

For those still quite short... wish you kuai gao zhan da! [heh.. dun gei si hor.. ai jiu shi ai hor..]

For those married... wish you zhao shen gui zi! [eh.. got who arh..]

For those unmarried... wish you zhao dian jie hun! [quick la.. this year last year take ang bao hor.. =X]

All in all.. wish everyone a joyous and prosperous new year ahead! May all be healthy and happy in the year 2004!

Xing Nian Kuai Le! =D

Heli Dont ask me why 10:55 PM

Sunday, January 18

Coincidences

They played my favourite song twice today. They talked about backsliding too. It was as though it's all preprepared for me. It was as though i was understood. Isn't it... too much of a coincidence? It hadn't been the first time. Coincidences don't always happen in life right?

Feeling guilty towards both side. Felt that what he said today were true about me. I know he's trying to say somethings to me. He's giving me another choice at this crossroad. But i guessed the lyrics sung my answer.

"I will be still and know you are God..."

Heli Dont ask me why 10:28 PM

Hmm.. This for my didi but think it goes out to all ba.

Well, i guessed the beginning of your sec 4 life is rather tough. I understand you have campcraft and at the same time have to cope well with your studies and tests. When i was in Sec 4, i felt all these stress come crashing over me as well. But perservere on. Talk to someone if you really need to let it all out. People always say that life is like a race. Similarly just imagine you are running on the track. The beginning part is always the harder whereby you need to get your momentum.. Maybe after running one round you felt that your lungs are giving way.. and you feel like stopping. But the truth is, when you stopped.. you lost your momentum, you will find it even harder to start off later. But it's different when you continue running. After a few rounds, you find that it's not that breathtaking..

This is a crucial year for you and the rest. In the long run, always encourage each other to move on. Always ignore the "give up" thought. Because once you consider it, you are already losing the momentum.. you are slowing down. The idea here is, i am not that very concern about whether or not you are good in studies but rather your mindset.

To all ( you know who you are.. ) : Don't give up so easily. There's still a long way to go. Now you might find that the end is so far away and you felt dreadful travelling on this journey. But try viewing the big picture on another perspective. Be open minded about the whole thing. If i'm in Sec 4 now, i would cherish every single day in school... every single moment with my friends and classmates... every lesson i had with teachers. Don't start thinking what will happen when you leave xms, instead do more concrete stuffs and not letting each day to pass by like this. Definitely there will be twist and turn, ups and downs.

Da jia yi qi jia you. You are never alone.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:33 PM

Trust

16 years of trust was just shattered by a misunderstanding of religion matters. I didn't blame him though and i guessed that therre must be some impact on him which had caused his great objection. Shrugs. If he doesn't want to say, i wouldn't want to know.

Anyway i guessed i had sort of make up my mind. Right i must agree that there are certain incidents that happened which really was rather unbelievable. There are certain times i felt really relieved and answered when i finished attending.. what more can i say.. But i think i sort of make up my mind. I don't want to upset him or me any further. I respect him and will not want to see him unhappy too. Moreover i think i had become less independent because i know there's something for me to lean on, to rely on.. I think i was more tough in the past, more independent and didn't suffer breakdowns that easily. I find that i'm more fragile now. It has done me good and bad i guess. It had make me found more meaning in life.. However things happened and i guessed i want to end all with a fullstop. Perhaps i just want to be the last time "me".

So my choice is - backslide. If i had the fate with Him, i will carry on when i'm 21. What's mine will be mine. What's not.. will never be. Don't judge me or lay down any impression on me. That's all i ask for.

*PS: Future sundays will be staying at home. Sensitive day to go out. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 12:01 AM

Tuesday, January 13

Insecure

Was abit angry with him when i found out he actually took my journal and read. But i know he was probably just worried and want to know more about how i feel etc. Shrugs. It isn't right in the first place... and moreover i am not prepared or didn't expect to let him know how i felt. It wouldn't be much of comforting or pleasant for him to know.

I realised that i could feel better when i talking to someone and helping this someone to feel better. Somehow sometimes when i talk to people, its as though i need to talk to myself too. Sub consciously, i felt better after doing the talkings as well too. Hm.. need not be shy with me if "you" need someone to talk to. My shoulders are for free too. :)

zzzz...

Heli Dont ask me why 11:58 PM

Monday, January 12

Dad and Me.

Lately, i can suddenly out of nowhere just want to see and feel my dad. I would just missed him terribly. Perhaps its because of the church thingy.. Somehow there isn't much trust between both of us, but i felt as if i cherish him more. And i felt that his life or rather all of our lives are fragile. Sigh. I'm so afraid all of a sudden he might leave me.

wo tu ran jue de hao luo.. bu zai shi yi qian na yang, bu zai shi na me yong gan.. shi wo bian le ma? wo you shuo bu chu kou wo xing li de tong ku, shuo bu chu wo xing li xiang shuo de hua.. wo ye bu zhi xiang shui shuo hao.. zhen de bu zhi shuo cuo.. shui ran wo zhi shi yi ge ren, dan ni bu yao yong na zhong yen shen kang zhe wo.. ni meng de yen shen.. wu xing zhong gei le wo ya li.. ran wo jue de hao gu du.. hao ji mo.. wo zhi dao wo bing bu ke lian.. dan wo you jue de hao ke lian.. tian ar.. =//
I felt weak all of a sudden. Not like the past, not anymore. Sigh. Have i changed?

I fear he might leave me suddenly one day...

Heli Dont ask me why 12:10 AM

Saturday, January 10

Feeling inferior

Finally weekend has arrived and its the "phew" feeling. Had been in new school for 1 week le. Still unfamiliar, still lost... but kind of expected. New environment plus i am a person resistant to changes, naturally it would be hard for me to settle down. Frankly, the first few days really missed xinmin so much sia. But then, life's like that. It's a mobile journey that is fixed in such a way we had to adapt to new surrondings. Like it or not, duh.. this is it. Given that we had so many days to live on, might as well be happy each day. Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent.

It's as though you are walking the dark tunnel without a single light at all. It's hard to stay positive, it's hard to be optimistic in such circumstances. But if a little glowing candle helps a little, i'm willing to be your little light if you allow me to.

For you.. for you.. for you... =)

Heli Dont ask me why 11:51 PM

Wednesday, January 7

Actually lots to say these few days but either i'm too tired or i'm too lazy to post them out. But even if i post them out now, it will be like days later then will your get to see this. Well.. wanted to comment about the sec1 campfire 2004 held on tues but was terribly dead tired and i have school the next day(which is today) till 9 plus so gotto turn in early. Well SLs, the orientation was quite a successful one just that there are more things for your to learn. Hope that you guys had fun too together working as a team to bring out the best in Sec 1s. Believe that future campfires will be even more better than this. And also wanted to say i was glad to come back that night even though was tired but did not regret a single bit. Though some problems happened along the way, it still turn out rather well. So.. keep up the good effort. Maybe should organise a celebration for a job that's quite well done? =)

And so here's for my orientation in nyjc... well rather sian for first day and second day.. but today was rather fun la. My group suddenly very on and high morale... go anywhere also cheer, not our group but our clan also cheer.. and the highlights for today was the disco night. Extremely hiong sia. First time i danced for more than 2 hrs non stop like nobody's business. Was shacked and aching all over but it was really fun. For the first two days, i kept reflecting about myself. Hm.. i let lots of discussions come to my mind.

Was being happy a choice? I tried hard to ignore or other negative factors that came to my mind today but i think the only way was to occupy myself with other things. That's why i think i felt relaxed on the disco part coz.. i was just dancing and jumping and yelling like crazy. haha..

Kkies. Enuff le la. I'm tired le. School starts tomorrow... So.. good nite peeps. :)

Heli Dont ask me why 10:50 PM

Thursday, January 1

The 1st few moments of 2004

I saw the fireworks burst into flames which illuminate the dark sky. I smiled and watched amazingly at them as one by one shot up as though its the first time i saw them. My heart goes "How nice.. how nice.." each time the firework burst.. They looks enchanting to me and its really a big goodbye to 2003 and a grand welcome to 2004. I shared this moments with friends and as the few seconds passed by, i looked into the eyes of them, at the same time making my little wish for them in my heart. But people like me who always think a lot, thoughts were rushing through my mind then. But i cast them all and hide them under the dirt.. for all i wanted to remember were the fireworks.

I took out my phone a few times, actually wanted to call my dad to wish him. But each time i hesitated. Hm.. its as though i got lots to say but yet i don't know what to say.

The 1st day of 2004

Resolutions. Am i supposed to come up with a list of them? I had some resolutions that i really hopefully could achieve it. But i seemed reluctant to jot them out. Somehow a new year to me, seem to be a big thing. Perhaps i had not spend my 2003 well enough, and therefore i had lots to look forward in the coming year.

And of course, it isn't that i am looking VERY forward to 2004, i had somethings i don't bear to leave them behind. First and foremost, my own school: teachers, student leaders, cadets. Somehow last year seems to be the summary of my four years in xms. Beautiful and unforgettable memories, unwanted and unexpected incidents, touching and speechless moments. Since a new year has come, it also means going to jc and leaving the alma mater of four years. It would be weird to go to school and not see your juniors, it would make me feel loss not to see teachers around, it would be lonely to not see your classmates that had been for two years standing at the parade square with you. I would miss them all.

And so to my juniors: Gonna miss all of you. Some of you i just gotten to know you for a short period of time, some of you a little longer. Whether or not we were once very closed or closed or not closed at all, i wish you all the same. To the sec 4s next year especially, i know its kind of early to say study hard and all the best, i really hope all of you would jia you. Cadets: continue to let xms npcc name fly high alright? Won't be coming back as CI but will visit all of you often. Student leaders: Going to miss all of you a great deal too. Continue with your standard of performance and improve to excel. Teachers: Not going to have anymore lessons with you guys, not going to greet you early in the morning.. but one thing i guess i am right, there's not going to be any same teachers in singapore as those in xms. And now i had to leave you all, i wonder if i would be able to survive through the jc life.

However, it is to say goodbye to the past to start a new chapter in life. I guess all of us just have to accept this. I must accept this so as to move on with life. I had written so much and i talk none about my resolutions. I think its really hard for me to part with all these. Memories and memories. But these memories live in my heart always.

Resolutions for 2004, many though. Hm.. I actually want to lead a carefree life. No worries no nothing. But it sounds almost impossible. Lesser pain and sorrow, more of happier moments. I will not want to indulge myself in neverending thoughts, i will not want to let daunting thoughts prick me anymore. I want to smile more and be happy.

As for my dad, i guess whatever he does is for our own good, just that.. i didn't appreciate them. I'm not ashamed to say that i am on the dangling ends. I don't know how to face this. Was it a problem in the first place, or was it a something i am not happy and i need to address? I don't even know what it is. Anyway, i guess i will be busy in school life and left with not much time to probe with family matters.

And to fey, really glad we spent the first few moments of 2004 together. In future, all of us will be further seperated. So its actually a test to the bondage we had forged among all of us. Whether or not in a few years time we still remain in contact, whether or not we still hang out, it all depends on each and everyone of us. We had come a long way though, our ups and our downs.. the nights we spent together talking. So, warmest wishes to each and everyone of you. =)

Jusqu'à ce que maintenant je n'avais pas la découverte quelqu'un qui vraiment vraiment sait mon dans et hors et je ne sais pas que tous problèmes sont solveable. Je ferais le besoin le plus probablement calme pour garder des choses à me. J'avais essayé l'ouverture en haut me cette année, mais il eu pour résultat de beaucoup de malentendus. Je veux cacher loin.. Soupir. C'est le genre de saddening même à me que je vais rester cette façon. Mais je simplement a refusé seulement ou n'avait pas d'idée ce que de faire. Je ne sais pas qu'approche à.. =/

Mr Blog: I haven't forgotten about you. You had been a great listener for the past 1 year. As i looked through the stories i had shared with you, i realised the sad ones outweigh the happy ones. Whether or not it's pleasant to hear, you remained silent throughout. Of course i had my ups and downs, but i look forward to sharing more happy stuffs with you in the year 2004. =)

The new year has come. It represents a new beginning, a new journey, a new chapter in life... Cherish each day of this year for it's going to be over in a blink of eye. May new hopes, new dreams blossom in all. Happy 2004.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:58 PM

The Journey

Time waits for no one, sure as the tide pulls the ocean
Sure as, the path that's been chosen, cannot be changed
In my life's destination, I searched for the explaination
For some kind of reason, for my sorrow and pain
But in my isolation I learned to listen
To be thankful for the love that I'd been given

[Chorus]
This is my journey, journey through life
With every twist and turn I've laughed and cried
As the road unwinds
This is my journey, and I've learned to fight
To make me strong enough, to lift me up, to bring my dreams alive

In my desperation I swore that never again
Would I hear all the laughter of my friends and my family
A million tears that I'd cried then began to dry
In the silence of the night time
I had came to realize
A sweet inspiration filled my horizon
Gave me the heart to go on and never would give in

[Chorus]
This is my journey, journey through life
With every twist and turn I've laughed and cried
As the road unwinds
This is my journey, and I've learned to fight
To make me strong enough, to lift me up, to bring my dreams alive

I'm going to love each moment, of every day and night
I'll look back to the past with the sweetest smile
For now I realise, I've been given the key to life
I've been kissed by the angel by my side

[Chorus]
This is my journey, journey through life
With every twist and turn I've laughed and cried
As the road unwinds
This is my journey, and I've learned to fight
To make me strong enough, to lift me up, to bring my dreams alive
To bring my dreams alive
To bring my dreams alive

Here's my song for 2004 - My Journey. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 1:49 PM

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